Gentle Suggestions
this is not an advice column
I got to share my current pleasures recently and it was such a helpful exercise.
It goes without saying that this column brings me great pleasure. Thank you for trusting me with your dilemmas.
The last Gentle Suggestions was so juicy, no? I’ve heard from a few of you but consider this your last call to tell me about any inappropriate crushes you’ve had. I want to hear all about it and I bet you do too. It’s 100% anonymous.
On to today’s pressing matters.
I know you posed this question when asking for questions but it is genuinely something I've been thinking about a lot lately... How do I have casual sex and not get murdered?
Wow. Another question about sex? During the holy month of Ramadan? While my father is still alive?? Have some respect for my poor family please.
Your question is not a hard one to answer and it really helped me understand some of the specific ways in which I frustrate my family so thank you for asking it. This is why I love questions honestly. Can’t get anywhere productive as a human being if questions aren’t being asked of you. And yes, my sweet family. I really do feel for them and I hope they will forgive me.
You see, we come from this semi-nomadic tribe called the Fulani. Our tribe are some of the most modest people the good lord has ever put on this earth. The Fulani language translation for modesty is interchangeable with shyness and discretion. This is enshrined into our unwritten code of conduct and it’s a very big deal to us. It’s etiquette on steroids. We all grow up learning about “pulakuu” which quite literally means the essence of being a Fulani. Along with modesty, our code of conduct has some very good moral values like self-control, discipline, wisdom, kindness, respect for others especially your elders and bravery which is my absolute favorite one. The Fulani are indeed a very brave people. If you read about our history and even the current ways in which we are being persecuted and discriminated against in parts of West Africa, I think you would agree too.
Because I was lucky to be born curious, I noticed that bravery was only ever really ascribed to the boys. Curiosity for a child is a very good thing because it will end up protecting you from a lot of bullshit and scams later in life. Tribal etiquette is all good until you start seeing the contours of a scam that tells you that only boys need to worry about being brave. What about a Fulani girl like me? They really beat the modesty and the shyness into me. The Fulani girl does not make direct eye contact. She is self-effacing. She is coy and demure. She is reserved and timid. Her vibe is extremely nervous around others.
People who know me today cannot believe how unbelievably shy I used to be. I’ve come a long way but some of the conditioning is still there and I fight it all the time. My sweet, sweet family. Are you starting to understand why I am a frustrating family member to have?
You know how those cheesy Christians always say “god made you and he don’t make no junk?” I really love that messaging because it is two of my favorite things: absolutely hilarious and also very true. The way god made me, I came out of the box with an innate need to understand why things had to be the way I was told they were. Those are my factory settings and I just cannot help it. I need to know things. So you can imagine that for much of my young life, I was constantly living at that tense intersection between the modesty expected of me and the bravery I thought I might be capable of. The tension finally became unbearable later in life and I made a choice. I was going to be a courageous young woman.
Casual sex is not an activity for shy people.
Oh and there is absolutely nothing casual about letting a stranger rearrange your guts.