Throw yourself a nice lil’ funeral

There’s a lot of name dropping today but you can handle it

Gentle Suggestions was kind of spicy last week. I asked those of you who are in an open marriage or long term relationship, to share with the class. Are you poly, ENM, don’t like labels? Is it a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell situation or are you enjoying talking to each other about it? How does that feel? What made you open the relationship? How long have you been together?

Also if you are simply having an old school affair, I also want to hear from you. We don’t talk enough about affairs anymore. Totally anonymous. We will discuss soon enough. Thanks for trusting me. I trust you.

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A couple of times a year, when I have something incredibly important to do, I decide instead that it’s finally the right time to clean up my iPhone photo gallery. I should be writing or at least baking the cake I said I would bring to my friend’s birthday party but I’m organizing photos now. I’m grouping images. I’m deleting screenshots. I’m deleting duplicates. I’m making new folders. Baby, I’m archiving.

Mind you, I pay Tim from Apple for a Library of Congress amount of storage so I don’t really need to be doing all of this but I’m doing it. There are apps you can use for this task but I insist on reviewing everything myself. I am not a serious person.

And now I’m stuck looking at pictures and videos from my birthday in April. I didn’t take any myself and it’s so nice when people remember to send you evidence of a good time.

Sidebar: always take photos of your mom friends with their babies and send to them. Nobody ever takes pictures of the mom with the babies. That’s madness.

The blessing of having friends of different ages is that I had observed many people turn 40 before me. Some of them ran towards the decade and others were quite anxious about it. I wanted to be the kind of woman who ran towards the new decade but my nightmare is any kind of party where I don’t get to have the same experience as all my friends. Like a party where I am the center of attention. Wedding? Nightmare party. Funeral? Nightmare party. As far as I’m concerned, having a wedding can be helped but a funeral is tricky because the alive people can do whatever they want in your absence. Truly my nightmare.

When I had cancer almost a decade ago, I spent too much time thinking about my funeral. I was sure I was going to die so I made a plan that included coming back as a ghost to haunt anyone I didn’t know very well who posted a picture of me on their instagram. I hate that shit so much.

Getting my affairs in order at 32 years old was a very absurd experience for me but the morbid silver lining I hung on to was the fact that I wouldn’t have to go to anyone else’s funeral. I made my peace with that.

And then I didn’t die which remains an absurd experience for me.

Now, I am furious at my friends whose funerals I have attended and enraged at those I will have to attend. The audacity of dying before me but also the audacity of making me go to your party when you’re not coming to mine. I am really incensed about all of it.

The only way I have found to cope with any of this is treating my own birthday parties like funeral rehearsals. Upon reviewing this year’s footage, I’m very pleased. It was actually such a fun night. I told the DJ that the vibe was “I graduated from international boarding school in 2003” and she really understood the assignment. We made everyone do the macarena. In 2025. And they loved it. It’s a racy song about a woman who is unrelenting in her pursuit of carnal pleasures. That anecdote tells you pretty much everything you need to know about me. I am not a serious person at all but I threw myself a really nice funeral this year.

📸 Jesse Peretz

The one serious thing I did do before turning 40 was ask three members of my Board of Directors, Curtis Sittenfeld, Zadie Smith and Ariel Levy for advice about what this decade holds. Long before I knew them, their words were swimming in my brain and I can’t tell you how special that is. They gave me some real talk and made me laugh a lot which is exactly what I was looking for. I won’t tell you who said what exactly because we really don’t need to be quoting personal correspondence on the internet but with their permission here is some of that real talk:

My memory of 40 is that aging was still a novelty...it was like, a few gray hairs! How amusing! Let's see what botox does! It was sort of a kick, like getting back to school supplies, or your first maxi pads, or finding clothing to wear to post college job interviews. And I remember feeling very smug and magnanimous for being 40 with so much enthusiasm. Unfortunately, like everything else, aging gets old.

To me, 40 just felt like the crowning of the 30s. You don't go out and babble like a fool any more - you say what you want to say, leave when you want to leave, know what looks good on you, have a clearer idea of what brings joy to you, and you tend to me more able to go towards joy than you're able to manage in your 20s. Life still feels winnable of doable at 40 - it's a complete delusion but a delightful one. You still believe you are 'doing' life - like it’s a video game you’re playing and one which will end in some kind of final triumph, no matter what pitfalls come along the way. By 49 that dream is over. But it's a fantastic 9 years!

[…] of course some people have experienced very difficult and crazy shit much earlier but probably by 40 and certainly by 50 absolutely everyone has and I think this can weirdly have the effect of making you treasure happiness and closeness and sweet moments when they arise and also it’s easy to bond with people, sort of a golden age of making new friendships akin to going away to college, over the difficult and crazy shit.

READING / LISTENING / WATCHING

• Every time I hear a talking head say that sending troops to round up immigrants in California “involves precedent from the Fugitive Slave Act” I wonder if they are hearing the words they’re saying.

• Not a great week to be reminded that the Secretary of Defense is a clown.

• “Libraries, in particular public ones, are key sites of struggle.” || Mariame Kaba on why loving the library is not enough. NYC residents you can ask all of our mayoral candidates to increase funding for our public libraries. Stay up to date with the good folks at NYC Public Library Action Network. |

• America sending both Mark Twain and Caity Weaver to Paris was a colossal mistake, I fear. JK I hope they send Caity to every major city on the globe.

• I am devoted to this morning hip release routine and 5-4-3-2-1.

• People keep telling me there is nothing on TV but I binge watched the new installment of Couples Therapy (Showtime) and savoring Poker Face (Peacock) That’s plenty of television actually!

CAPITALISM

I am very committed to all white outfits this summer. There is absolutely nothing original about it at all but I’m really having fun with it. It started when I wore a very chic white ensemble to a sexy rendezvous and this man asked if I was dressed for our wedding. Nice try, love bomber. If you’ve seen The Leftovers, my vibe is very much Guilty Remnant and not virginal bride.

The vibe was definitely suffragette when I co-hosted this Zohran Mamdani event. When this party happened, he still needed a big miracle to win but so much has changed since then. He has a real shot at pulling off the upset and more importantly, I believe in miracles again.

📸 Dean Majd

I also wore a white lace gown to a function and —I warned you about the name dropping today. It’s out of control—Chloë Sevigny asked me about it. That was a very fun night for me. The gown is one a kind from the good people at Thank You Have A Good Day and funny enough, I wore it to that function because a friend was bringing the person I think should marry me.

Wear white this summer. It’s the most delusional color there is.

Here are my summer wardrobe highlights. But do you need to be shopping at all? Probably not. If you need some extra dopamine and money is burning a hole in your pocket, you can give the socialist candidate some PAC money or come canvass with me for free.99.

HANG IN THERE

Kim Gordon in the protest song business? I’m all in!